In old years , families choose spouse for their children and did not think about only thing that was love and interest of their children . they believed , interest after marriage is made , but today many young people do not think about marriage till they do not become lover !
Really , which method is true to form life ; start of a lovely life or start of life with hope to become lovely ?
To marry, surely it should be lover?
Let we firstly clarify, what is love. People use this word in different meanings. It is said , love means to want , but in Arabic it is said to desert ivy or morning glory , since it twists to tree and climbs up from it and grows to so extent that it dries that plant . Love can be defined as liking in simple form or it can be known as a type of severe liking and even exaggerative that is sign of unstableness of creation and forms in cognition and thinking . so , if we talk about first meaning , love is necessary for marriage and if we talk about second meaning , love is useless for marriage : Studies of the western have shown , married couples know one of their basic differences with single people as larger love and lovely mutual or bipartite relation . Severer love does not necessarily accompany with more happiness and satisfaction after marriage but it relates to stabilize this relation. Of course, it is possible the more love experienced by people, the more feeing of happiness by them, too. So, being lover and lovely living has desired and known effect on marriage.
Love guarantees prosperity?
A US psychologist , Robert Sternberg in one of his famous theories that is known as love triangle introduces three vertices for love that are intimacy , sexual desire and commitment . Any type of combination of these three vertices can be known as a lovely relation. In contractual form, we know a relation that has only intimacy (and not desire and commitment) as a simple friendship . Sexual desire emerges type of love , lonely that is equal to mania and unreason and commitment is called only futile love. So to marry that is a long term relation, we need to a thing more than one or two components, lonely. Romantic loves lack component of commitment and probably have not durability. Compassionate loves have no component of lust and as a result, it is possible they do not accompany with satisfaction in marriage so much. Mirage – like loves also lack component of intimacy and leads to hurried suit or engagement that in which , imagination is that commitment will be based on basis of sexual desire and excitement and there is no need for intimacy . On the other hand , exiting loves before marriage may , instead of show an intimate relation and predict future commitment , show mental upsets like temper disorders , adaptation disorder ( setting a new relation to compensate lack or displeasure made that in which intimacy stated from mutual party is imagined exaggerative ) and disorders of personality ( like disorders of boundary personality that is specified , for example with sudden , unthinking , but transitive and unstable behaviors ). A love that shows idealization of beloved and in which , lover gives a god – like meaning to beloved , is followed with destructive process of devaluation more probably . lover person knows his / her beloved as complete and flawless and he /she imagines , he/she is just one who is promised , removes misfortunes of life and reaches him /her to fortune and prosperity . with the first beloved’s mistake , this holy and infallible position is gotten from him/her and beloved is known as a wolf that is shown in clothes of sheep and his/her only goal has been to own lover’s motions and assets ! In this sense, it should be thought on severe loves before marriage. I recommend in such cases, it is consulted with an experienced psychologist or psychiatrist.
Love is not just enough
Love before marriage does not guarantee health of marriage and fortune of couple at all but while if it is not blind and extreme, it can lead to feeling of happiness and satisfaction in marriage. In the one hand , marriage with one who person does not like him/her , is dangerous and there is no guarantee that after entering to joint life , he/she loves his/her spouse . It is possible , one used to partner of his/her life, but he/she will not necessarily like him/her . On the other hand , we should know , love is not enough for a successful marriage and other various features like agreement of personality features , physical , mental , reasonable , financial and professional abilities , adaptation of families from view of culture , studies and social – economical class , joint or parallel needs and goals and even joint entertainments should be taken .
Not traditional , not modern!
Today’s generation should find a balance between traditional life and modern world and achievement to this balance is very difficult some times. Families should know one who , it is promised tolerates this new joint life and beyond it , feels pleasure , happiness and satisfaction , is their child , not them themselves . Young should also know that they are not needless of experience and expedience of parents and it is not promised due to a exciting relation and feeling , they discard all family holiness and support that include their identity and guarantee future supports . Unfortunately, sometimes we witness parents’ or children’s threats against each other. Such problems do not include a result except for dissatisfaction of both parties ( parents and children too ) and threat friendship , intimacy and integration of family . Perhaps, people imagine , there is no reason they love their spouse and such partial respect and interest that exist between them, will be enough!
But as love is not enough for fortune and satisfaction of nuptial relation , it cannot be hopeful , a relation that is just based on surface respect and interests , has durability . Although it is possible due to some consideration like family ,social and traditional taboo of divorce or fright of staying alone or feeling disability in governance of life lonely and sometimes due to existence of children , such relations are tolerated .
I become fortune like my friend?
Some times , 2 persons marry with recommendation of parents or friends and entourage with each other ; for example a couple are fortune with each other and lady and gentleman ,either have one single intimate friend , they think it is good their friends marry to each other too and are sure , they become fortune with each other , too ! Even if they have no interest in each other, they give assurance to both parties that later, they will be become lover of each other! But 2 persons should be familiar with each other by spending enough opportunity and become aware of their feeling from opposite party. Of course , it is not forgotten that relations of engagement period should be by complying with value , religious , and cultural system of society and family . It is better , assignment of this stance is clarified before marriage and not after it. It should not be hastened to start marriage in unsuitable form and of course, this does not mean extreme strictures, too. In such cases consultation with a psychologist or psychiatrist will be useful that while assessing personal features and relation between two persons, he/she helps them in suitable decision making.