There is no question that one of factors of adaptability among spouse is healthy and desirable sexual intercourse. This sexual intercourse can be effective in the prevention of stress and the establishment of desire. Moreover, it can decrease stresses and can be effective in eradicating them. In most of cases, disagreements and separation among spouses can relate to their sexual intercourse and with strong guess, we can analyze the root of problem there. There is mutual relationship between sexual intercourse and moral features. Among a lot of person that have referred, undesirable sexual intercourse has been presented as the ground of corrupted moral relationship. From the point of view of the religion, desirable sexual intercourse has special importance that will be mentioned.
The importance of desirable sexual intercourse
Among social freedoms, providing an appropriate ground for marital relationship between a man and a woman has a special importance. There is no question that the experts of sexual intercourses should recognize the importance of sexual desire, should be aware of positive effects and satisfying them in a right way and think about special solutions so that this desire can be used in a special way because in most of cases, sexual desire cannot be compared with other desires. Quran that talks about the nature of human states
أُحِلَّ لَكُمْ لَيْلَةَ الصِّيَامِ الرَّفَثُ إِلَى نِسَآئِكُمْ هُنَّ لِبَاسٌ لَّكُمْ وَأَنتُمْ لِبَاسٌ لَّهُنَّ عَلِمَ اللّهُ أَنَّكُمْ كُنتُمْ تَخْتانُونَ أَنفُسَكُمْ فَتَابَ عَلَيْكُمْ وَعَفَا عَنكُمْ فَالآنَ بَاشِرُوهُنَّ وَابْتَغُواْ مَا كَتَبَ اللّهُ لَكُمْ
”Permitted to you, on the night of the fasts, is the approach to your wives. They are your garments and ye are their garments. Allah knoweth what ye used to do secretly among yourselves; but He turned to you and forgave you; so now associate with them, and seek what Allah Hath ordained for you”.
This verse represents that prudence is that Muslims avoid sexual intercourse in all days of Ramadan Month. However, such a rule was not enacted because most of people cannot tolerate such a rule and since the religion of the Islam is a divine religion and it was announced that sexual intercourse was halal for all of Muslims in the nights of sacred month of Ramadan.
Exalted God states about woman that have got divorced their husbands and the Iddat of their divorce has finished
وَإِذَا طَلَّقْتُمُ النِّسَاء فَبَلَغْنَ أَجَلَهُنَّ فَلاَ تَعْضُلُوهُنَّ أَن يَنكِحْنَ أَزْوَاجَهُنَّ إِذَا تَرَاضَوْاْ بَيْنَهُم بِالْمَعْرُوفِ ذَلِكَ يُوعَظُ بِهِ مَن كَانَ مِنكُمْ يُؤْمِنُ بِاللّهِ وَالْيَوْمِ الآخِرِ ذَلِكُمْ أَزْكَى لَكُمْ وَأَطْهَرُ وَاللّهُ يَعْلَمُ وَأَنتُمْ لاَ تَعْلَمُونَ
”When ye divorce women, and they fulfil the term of their (´Iddat), do not prevent them from marrying their (former) husbands, if they mutually agree on equitable terms. This instruction is for all amongst you, who believe in Allah and the Last Day. That is (the course Making for) most virtue and purity amongst you and Allah knows, and ye know not”.
In old times, according to their ignorant biases, people prevented from the marriage of women that had got divorced. Quran stood against this custom, abolished it and warned that no one was allowed to prevent from their marriage. Their right is that they can have desirable sexual intercourse and such a matter leads to purification and cleanness and if it is not observed, it will lead to corruption. At the end of this verse, God states that you do not know and think wrongly that the marriage of such women is not so important, but God is aware of negative secrets of single women.
On the other hand, Quran mentions women first among the most attractive lusts of the world and states
زُيِّنَ لِلنَّاسِ حُبُّ الشَّهَوَاتِ مِنَ النِّسَاء وَالْبَنِينَ وَالْقَنَاطِيرِ الْمُقَنطَرَةِ مِنَ الذَّهَبِ وَالْفِضَّةِ وَالْخَيْلِ الْمُسَوَّمَةِ وَالأَنْعَامِ وَالْحَرْثِ ذَلِكَ مَتَاعُ الْحَيَاةِ الدُّنْيَا وَاللّهُ عِندَهُ حُسْنُ الْمَآبِ
”Fair in the eyes of men is the love of things they covet: Women and sons; Heaped-up hoards of gold and silver; horses branded (for blood and excellence); and (wealth of) cattle and well-tilled land. Such are the possessions of this world´s life; but in nearness to Allah is the best of the goals (To return to)”.
In relation to the above verse, when Imam Sadeq (peace be upon him) asked his companions” what is the best pleasure of the world?” they answered ” there are a lot of pleasures. Then Imam Sade (peace be upon him) answered
َلذّ الاشياء مباضعة النساء. ما تلذّذ النّاسِ في الدنيا و الاخرة بلذّةٍ اکثر لهم من لذّة النساء
” The best pleasure is sexual intercourse with women and in the world and the afterlife, no pleasure is higher than sexual intercourse with women”.
The weakness of men in the subdual of sexual intercourse is as much as the prophet (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) states
ما ترکت بعدي فتنة اضرّ علي الرّجال من النّساء
”No riot for men is as destructive as women”.
There were a lot of kings that fell in love and became disgraceful or to marry a pretty girl, they devoted most of the realm of the country. Sometimes, they said ” no crime is great if the race of woman is not seen. As a matter of fact, it presents a report about the rebel of sexual desire of woman. Hence, natural and primary principle is the existence of accepted sexual intercourse and in some cases, it should not be prohibited that it is in contrast with more important purpose.
Islam looks at marriage and sexual intercourse in a holy way and states
”نِسَآؤُكُمْ حَرْثٌ لَّكُمْ فَأْتُواْ حَرْثَكُمْ أَنَّى شِئْتُمْ وَقَدِّمُواْ لأَنفُسِكُمْ وَاتَّقُواْ اللّهَ وَاعْلَمُواْ أَنَّكُم مُّلاَقُوهُ وَبَشِّرِ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ”
”Your wives are as a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when or how ye will; but do some good act for your souls beforehand; and fear Allah. And know that ye are to meet Him (in the Hereafter), and give (these) good tidings to those who believe”.
Exalted God has made women the farm of men and has wanted them to harvest from this farm for the doomsday.
One of interesting points in the recommendations of the religion of the Islam is about sexual intercourse. In spite of the fact that people consider sexual matters, wealth accumulation, and overindulgence in eating and sleeping as a matter. Islam has recommended to the abundance of marital action and has prevented from abundance in eating, sleeping, and the accumulation of wealth. The abundance of sexual desire is the cause of comfort and the abundance of eating sleeping and …is the cause of rebellion.
Imam Sadeq (peace be upon him) states
لا ينبغي للمؤمن ان يبيت ليلة من غير وقاع
” It is not decent that a Muslim sleeps a night without sexual intercourse”.
Imam Reza (peace be upon him) states
ثلاث من سنن المرسلين العطر و اخذ الشعر و کثرة الطروقة
” Three things are from the tradition of the prophet (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants): perfuming, cutting nail and having sexual intercourse so much”.
The messenger of God (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) said to one of his companions on Friday
اصبحت صائما؟ فقال: لا. قال: فاطعمت مسکينا؟ قال: لا. قال: فارجع الي اهلک فاصبهم فانّه منک عليهم صدقة
” Have fasted?” He answered ” O’ the messenger of God! I have not fasted. The prophet said ” have you given alms? He answered ” no, I have not”. Then the prophet (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) said ” go and have sexual intercourse with your spouse and sexual intercourse has the reward of giving alms for you”.
One day, the messenger of God (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) came to the house and smelt pleasant odor. Then he looked at Umme Salame and said ” on the face of it, Zeinab of perfume seller has been here?” Umme Salame answered ” O’ the messenger of God! Yes, she is here still”. Hazrat Zeinab came to the messenger of God and greeted with him. Then he said ” O’ the messenger of God! My spouse has no attention to me and turns away from me”. The prophet said ” make up your face for him more”. Zeinab said ” I have made my odorous with any perfumes, but he turns away me”. The messenger of God (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) stated
اما لويدري ما له باقباله عليک؟ قالت: و ما له باقباله عليّ؟ فقال: اما انّه اذا اقبل اکتنفه ملکان و کان کالشاهر سيفه في سبيل الله فاذا هو جامع تحاتّ عنه الذّنوب کما يتحّاتّ ورق الشجر فاذا هو اغتسل انسلخ من الذنوب
” If he knows how reward, when he comes to you, he will never turn away you”. Hazrat Zeinab asked ” what reward will he have, when he comes to me?” The prophet asked ” two angels will support him and he is like a person that has crossed sword in the path of God”. Zeinab said ” when he has sexual intercourse, his sins will be forgiven and he when does ablution, no sins will be recorded for him”.
From the point of view of Quran and religious trains, sexual desire cannot be answered with suppression, advice and …But we should know it and satisfy it in a right way.
The most important factor for get ridding of sexual harms is to avoid undesirable looks. In this part, some points will be reminded about the boundary of looking:
Establishing boundary for looking
One of factors of adaptability is that a person does not allow his or her eyes to look at wherever they look. Hence, we should establish a boundary for our looks. Such a things has mentioned with different interpretations in verses and narrations. One of them is ” Ghaz”. It means closing eyes. God states to devout men and women
”قُل لِّلْمُؤْمِنِينَ يَغُضُّوا مِنْ أَبْصَارِهِمْ وَيَحْفَظُوا فُرُوجَهُمْ ۚ ذَٰلِكَ أَزْكَىٰ لَهُمْ ۗ إِنَّ اللَّهَ خَبِيرٌ بِمَا يَصْنَعُونَ”
”Say to the believing men that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty: that will make for greater purity for them: And Allah is well acquainted with all that they do”.
”وَقُل لِّلْمُؤْمِنَاتِ يَغْضُضْنَ مِنْ أَبْصَارِهِنَّ وَيَحْفَظْنَ فُرُوجَهُنَّ وَلَا يُبْدِينَ زِينَتَهُنَّ إِلَّا مَا ظَهَرَ مِنْهَا ۖ وَلْيَضْرِبْنَ بِخُمُرِهِنَّ عَلَىٰ جُيُوبِهِنَّ ۖ وَلَا يُبْدِينَ زِينَتَهُنَّ إِلَّا لِبُعُولَتِهِنَّ أَوْ آبَائِهِنَّ أَوْ آبَاءِ بُعُولَتِهِنَّ أَوْ أَبْنَائِهِنَّ أَوْ أَبْنَاءِ بُعُولَتِهِنَّ أَوْ إِخْوَانِهِنَّ أَوْ بَنِي إِخْوَانِهِنَّ أَوْ بَنِي أَخَوَاتِهِنَّ أَوْ نِسَائِهِنَّ أَوْ مَا مَلَكَتْ أَيْمَانُهُنَّ أَوِ التَّابِعِينَ غَيْرِ أُولِي الْإِرْبَةِ مِنَ الرِّجَالِ أَوِ الطِّفْلِ الَّذِينَ لَمْ يَظْهَرُوا عَلَىٰ عَوْرَاتِ النِّسَاءِ ۖ وَلَا يَضْرِبْنَ بِأَرْجُلِهِنَّ لِيُعْلَمَ مَا يُخْفِينَ مِن زِينَتِهِنَّ ۚ وَتُوبُوا إِلَى اللَّهِ جَمِيعًا أَيُّهَ الْمُؤْمِنُونَ لَعَلَّكُمْ تُفْلِحُونَ”
”And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what (must ordinarily) appear thereof; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their beauty except to their husbands, their fathers, their husband´s fathers, their sons, their husbands´ sons, their brothers or their brothers´ sons, or their sisters´ sons, or their women, or the slaves whom their right hands possess, or male servants free of physical needs, or small children who have no sense of the shame of sex; and that they should not strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden ornaments. And O ye Believers! turn ye all together towards Allah, that ye may attain Bliss”.
Such limitation includes purification and eye does not commit betrayal. Exalted God is aware of immaculate eyes;
”يَعْلَمُ خَائِنَةَ الْأَعْيُنِ وَمَا تُخْفِي الصُّدُورُ ”
(”Allah) knows of (the tricks) that deceive with the eyes, and all that the hearts (of men) conceal)”.
The importance of establishing boundary
When a person looks at different things and other persons, in most of cases, such looks are out of attention and carefulness, but its continuity and recursion will have lots of corruptions as the prophet (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) states
”ايها النّاس انّما النظرة من الشيطان فمن وجد من ذلک شيئاً فليأت اهله”
” O’ people! Such look (to stranger women) comes from Satan and if a person finds such a thing within his or her inner, he should tend his wife”.
If a person does not think in this way, Satan is very strong and few persons can get rid of the temptations of Satan. Therefore, Imam Sadeq (peace be upon him) states
”اوّل النظرة لک و الثانية عليک و لا لک و الثالثة فيها الهلاک”
” The first look is in your favor; the second look is not in your favor and the third look makes you perished”.
Since looking at stranger women and men is so dangerous, establishing boundary for it has special importance. This importance is as much as Imam Sadeq (peace be upon him) states
من نَظَر الي امرأةٍ فرفع بصره الي السّماء او غمّض بصره لم يرتد اليه بصرُه حتّي يزوجّه الله من الحور العين
” If a man looks at stranger woman and then looks at the sky and closes his eyes, such a look will never come back his eyes and God will make houri marry him”.
If looking at stranger women has a lot of corruptions, dealing with it will be as important as God will grant him a houri that is as beautiful as all of women of the world. Of course, this reward represents that establishing boundary for looking is not easy for human.
The consequences of establishing boundary for looking
Establishing boundary for looking will have a lot of effects such as:
a. Individual security:
A person tries to remove pollution and wants to preserve himself or herself from pollution. Hence, human likes whatever provides security for him or her and whatever risks his or her health makes him or her worried. Looking at stranger men and women makes human poisoned and limiting such a look makes human secure. Imam Sadeq (peace be upon him) states
”النظرة سهم من سهام ابليس مسمومٌ من ترکها الله عزّو جلّ لا لغيره اَعقبه الله ايماناً يجدُ طعمَو”
” Looking at stranger men and women is a poisoned arrow as one of arrows of Satan and whoever devotes it for God will make him or her experience the taste of faith in God”.
”النظرة بعد النظرة تزرع في القلب الشهوة و کفي بها لصاحبها فتنة”
” One look after another at stranger men and women grows lust in the inner of human and riot for its owner”.
Riot is the cause of trouble and torture.
b. Social security
A person not only wants to make himself or herself secure, but he or she also makes himself or herself secure by any means because when others are secure, we feel secure as well. The establishment of security is establishing a boundary for looking at stranger women and men. Abu Basir said to Imam Sadeq (peace be upon him) said
”الرّجل تمرّ به المرأة فينظر الي خلفها؛ قال: اَيسرُّ اَحدکم ان يُنظر الي اَهله و ذاتِ قرابته؟ قلتُ: لا. قال: فارضِ للنّاس ما ترضاه لنفسک”
” A women passed by a man and a man looked back her. Do you like that stranger men look at your family and relatives?” I answered ” no, I don’t”. Imam Sadeq (peace be upon him) states ” like for people same things that you like for yourself”.
If a person wans that his or her family be secure, others should feel from him or her. Imam Sadeq (peace be upon him) states
”ا يأمن الذين ينظرون في ادبار النساء اَن يُبتَلوا بذلک في نسائهم”
” If men look back stranger women, they should not feel secure that other stranger men look at their own women”.
If you want to feel comfortable that your spouse, mother and sisters are at secure, you should do action that other women and girls feel secure”.
It has been expressed in narrations ” if a person feels insecure that other men look at his mother, sisters and wife, he himself should avoid looking at stranger women”.
Now this question is asked ” if a person does not feel insecure that other men look at his mother, wife and sisters, won’t it be a problem that he looks at stranger women?” because it is said in the narration ” should we makes others satisfied from whatever we like for ourselves?”
The answer of this question is that the narration of Imam Sadeq (peace be upon him) for persons that have separated humanity and their nature is as malicious as they have separated the most important matter of nature. Therefore, they have not expressed any remarks such mean matter. In some cases that the ranks of descending is seen, Imam Sadeq (peace be upon him) has dealt with this part. For example, Ali Ibn Abi Taleb (peace be upon him) states about the matter of anger in a narration
”الحدّة ضربٌ من الجنون لانّ صاحبها يندم”
” Becoming angry is a kind of insanity because an angry person becomes regretful after he or she has done something wrong”.
It may be asked that some persons become angry, but they do not become regretful. Does it show that anger is a kind of insanity? Such a supposition is natural. Imam Sadeq (peace be upon him) stated at the rest of the narration
”فان لم يندم فجنونه مستحکم”
” If he does not become regretful, his or her insanity is serious and deep”. Therefore, anger is not a kind of insanity, but it is the highest insanity”.
With considering the remarks of Imam Sadeq (peace be upon him) to Abu Nasir, it can be understood that the ugliness of looking back at stranger women is an acceptable affair for addressees and persons. Imam Sadeq (peace be upon him) has talked with such persons.
Imam Sadeq (peace be upon him) states to Abu Nasir in a narration
”اَيَسُرُّ اَحدُکم ان يُنظر الي اهله”
” Does a person among you like that his family is looked?” Abu Nasir answers ” no, none of us like”.
This shows that the ugliness of this affair is accepted by addressees. Therefore, if Abu Nasir had answered Imam Sadeq in a positive way and had become satisfied that other men looked at his family, Imam Sadeq (peace be upon him) would not have considered looking at other stranger women permitted because the starting point of talking is the agreement of sides about the judgment of the ugliness of an action. In such a situation, Imam Sadeq (peace be upon him) states ” since you consider looking at stranger women an ugly action, you should not look at other stranger women. As a consequence, it is necessary that the starting point of dialogue can be determined in the understanding of a narration”.
The consequences of desirable sexual intercourse
Since desirable sexual intercourse has high importance for spouses, its actions and actions will be mentioned:
a. The superiority of personality
The wish of all persons is that they become super star, a pattern and have high position. Such a desire is one of desires of human. What is different among persons is that persons sometimes go wrong in recognizing an appropriate pattern. The narrations of Ahle Beit (peace be upon them) will be effective in this area. The story of being influenced by a pattern is that no one wants to become mean in the world and naturally, he or she hates to become mean, but sometimes, he or she makes a mistake in the recognition of meanness. However, narrations can help us to recognize meanness and greatness from each other in critical situations. In a narration, the messenger of God (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) states
”انّ خير نسائکم… المتبرجة مع زوجها… و اذا خلا بها بذلت له ما يريد منها”
” The best women make up themselves when they are with their husbands and when they are with their husbands together, they do whatever their husbands want”.
When a woman is alone with her husband, it is censured that she has grace against her husband”. Imam Sadeq (peace be upon him) states about this matter
”خير نسائکم التي اذ اخلعت مع زوجها خلعت له درع الحياء”
” The best women are women that take off the garments of chastity when they are with their husbands”.
In contrast, the messenger of God (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) considers the worst woman as women that refuse their husbands.
A man usually suggests sexual intercourse and women sometimes do not accept this suggestion due to different motivations such as chastity in their inner and consider this refusal as the sign of their superiority. Narrations consider this as an inappropriate motivations and getting away from superiority and recommend women to get familiar with the real examples of superiority. The messenger of God (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) states in a narration
” خير نسائکم نساء قريش… المجون لزوجها. قلنا: و ما المجون؟ قال: التي لا تمنع”
” The best women are the women of Ghoreish Tribe because they are ” Majun” for their husbands. The companions asked ” who is ” Majun?” The prophet (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) said ” She is a woman that does not refuse to have sexual intercourse with her husband”.
Therefore, the establishment of facilities in desirable sexual intercourse is the factor of the superiority of personality.
b. Security and health
Naturally, there is sexual need in all of persons and this need is created in men sooner than women and men are introduced as the representative of sexual need. Narrations have dealt with this matter that the sexual need of men becomes more when they face to beautiful women. In these narrations, the sexual need of men is not censured and because the suppression of sexual need is not effective, but it needs an appropriate path that can be answered and this need should be satisfied. Even innocent Imams (peace be upon them) had such need and were looking for a right path in order to satisfy their sexual need for their health and security.
Imam Sadeq (peace be upon him) states
”رأي رسول الله (صلي الله عليه و آله و سلم) امرأة فاعجتبه فدخل الي امّ سلمه و کان يومها فاصاب منها و خرج الي الناس و رأسه يقطر فقال: ايّها الناس انما النظر من الشيطان فمن وجد من ذلک شيئاً فليات اهله”
” One day, the messenger of God (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) looked at a woman that made him surprised. Then the prophet came to Umme Salame and his need was met. Afterwards, he came among people and as the drops of water of ablution were flowing from his sacred head, he stated ” O’ people! Looking at stranger women is the look of Satan. If a man looks at a stranger woman and his sexual need is provoked, he should satisfy his sexual need with his wife”.
Therefore, to be secure from the danger of Satan, sexual needs should be satisfied in a right way.
c. The establishment of comfort
One of the most important purposes of marital life is to achieve comfort and to use the most pleasure. Basically, women and men are expected to make each other comfortable. When a man receives the highest pleasure from his wife, he sees the ground of more adaptability in himself. It has been narrated that a woman came to the messenger of God (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) and wanted to know about the rights of a man toward his wife. The prophet said that one of them is sexual need and stated
”تعرض نفسها عليه غدوة و عشية”
” Women should have sexual intercourse all day and night”.
It is natural that a man that becomes comfortable in the morning and at night becomes less restless during day.
In the satisfaction of sexual need, a path that does not harm a woman and creates the best enjoyment and comfort for men is permitted and desirable. Imam Sadeq (peace be upon him) states about a man that looks at his wife in a naked way
”لا بأس بذلک و هل الّلذة الّا ذلکهدل ”
” It has no problem, but there is no pleasure the same as it”. Jewish people believed that a woman and a man should have sexual intercourse with each other face to face and it is not permitted that a man has sexual intercourse behind. If sexual intercourse happens, a child that will be born will become squint”. In such a situation, exalted God has descended such a verse
”نساؤکم حرث لکم فأتوا حرثکم اني شئتم”
” Women are your farms and use these farms in the way that you like”.
Hence, with the establishment of desirable sexual intercourse, we should provide the ground of using this divine blessing so that an appropriate bed can be provided for adaptability.
Customs and skills for more adaptability in sexual relationships
The ground of using sexual intercourse for more adaptability among spouses can be provided with learning the following customs and skills:
a. Praying and worshipping God
One of effective factors in the establishment of affection and adaptability among spouses is the establishment of relationship with God and the request of adaptability from him. Sometimes, it seems that there are no understanding and friendship and praying and worshipping God will have an effective role in the establishment of association and satisfaction among spouses. Abi Basir that was one of reliable companions of Imam Sadeq (peace be upon him) said ” a man came to the messenger of God (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) and I heard that he was saying to Imam Sadeq (peace be upon him) ” I sacrifice myself on the behalf of you. In spite of the fact that I have been rather old, I have not got married a young girl and have not had sexual intercourse with her. I am worried that if I have sexual intercourse with her, she hates me because I am much older than her. What should I do in order to prevent from such a thing?” Imam Sadeq (peace be upon him) said to him ” before you have sexual intercourse with her, you should pray, admire God and say peace to the messenger of God and his descendants. Then tell your companions to say ” Amin” after you pray. Afterwards, you should tell
”اللهم ارزقني اِلفها وَدّها و رضاها و رضّني بها ثم اجمع بيننا باحسن اجتماع و اسرّ ائتلاف فانک تحب الحلال و تکره الحرام ثم قال: و اعلم انّ الإلف من الله و الفرک من الشيطان ليُِکَرِّه ما اَحَلَّ الله”
” O’ God! Grant me her friendship and satisfaction to me and make me satisfied from her. Then make the best relationship between us. In fact, you like halal affair and hate haram affair. Then Imam Sadeq (peace be upon him) stated ” as a matter of fact, friendship is from God and the hate and animosity of a woman is from her husband from Satan because Satan wants to make people hate from whatever God has made halal”.
b. Seeking forgiveness and saying ” in the name of God merciful and compassionate” before sexual intercourse
As it was narrated from Imam Sadeq (peace be upon him), hate and inadaptability in legitimate relationships is the result of the activity of Satan. Hence, we should escape from Satan. On the other hand, friendship, affection and adaptability in such relationships are from God. We should start sexual intercourse with the name of God so that we can use the blessings of God. Imam Sadeq (peace be upon him) states ” a man that wants to have sexual intercourse and fears that Satan cooperates with him in this sexual intercourse should say ” in the name of God compassionate and merciful” and resort to God from the trouble of God. The remembrance of God is necessary in any relationship and saying ” in the name of God merciful and compassionate” should not be forgotten. This way of action and thinking decreases the lust of animal and grans human spiritual enjoyment along with desirable sexual enjoyment. Moreover, this way of remembering God help spouses so that they do not violate their rights and they consider their duty to provide the enjoyment of another one. Hence, saying ” in the name of God merciful and compassionate” helps human to think about other ways for the establishment and increase of adaptability.
c. Providing mental ground
Couples should have the preparation of sexual intercourse in order to have enjoyable comfortable intercourse; otherwise, they may face to unpleasant affairs. The messenger of God (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) planned in a way that each wife of the prophet knew what night she would have sexual intercourse with the prophet. The awareness of wife from the presence of her husband provides the ground that his sexual need can be met in a better way. This matter is as important as Imam Sadeq (peace be upon him) state
”يکره للرّجل اذا قدم من سفره ان يطرق اهله ليلاً حتي يصبح ”
” It is not appropriate that when a man comes back his journey at night and enters his house until morning arrives”.
When a woman is not aware that his husband would come back, it is natural that she does not have enough preparation for meeting the sexual need of her husband
d. Cleanness and adornment for spouses
The observation of physical health and taking a bath in a regular way are considered as necessary affairs in sexual health. Removing extra hair, cutting hair, face shaving and selecting soap, shampoo and other antiseptic materials should be considered into attention. Removing extra hair of sexual organ, especially men, can increase sexual desire. None of these spouses look at his wife or her husband that he or she is waiting that he or she finishes his or her sexual intercourse and then he or she does ablution and takes a bath. But they should consider taking a bath after sexual intercourse as obeying the order of God in doing ablution. We should establish preparations for ablution before sexual intercourse
e. Preparing a ground for sexual intercourse
Preparing a ground for sexual intercourse for the satisfaction of sexual intercourse is encouraged for couples. On the other hand, the hastening of couples in sexual satisfaction is censured in a selfish way. The prophet (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) states
”اذا اراد احدکم ان يأتي اهله فلايعجلها”
” If one of couples wants to have sexual intercourse, the other one should not delay it in a selfish way”.
An appropriate ground should be provided that sexual intercourse can be done in a due time not before it. This affair is necessary and holy in the Islam. Imam Sadeq (peace be upon him) state
”ليس شيء تحضره الملائکة الا… و ملاعبة الرجل اهله”
” Angels appear when men want to have sexual intercourse with their wives”.
This sanctity causes that men enforce themselves to enjoy sexual intercourse, gain the reward of after world and take care of the courtesy of socializing and do not be tyrant.
The prophet (peace of Allah be upon him and his descendants) states
”ثلاثة من الجفاء ان يصحب الرجل الرجل فلا يسأله عن اسمه و کنيته و ان يدعي الرجل الي الطعام فلايجيب و ان يجيب فلا يأکل و مواقعة الرجل اهله قبل المداعبة”
” Three things are considered as tyranny: a person gets familiar with another person and he or she does not ask him or her about his or her name and custom; 2. A person is invited to a meal, but he or she declines it and if he or she accepts it, he or she does not eat it; 3. A man has sexual intercourse with his wife before he prepares his wife with attractive remarks.
Preparing an appropriate ground for sexual satisfaction is necessary, effective and useful for use in the world and the afterlife.
The recognition of the problems of sexual matters
Some necessary conditions were expressed about sexual matters and they should be pain attention before sexual intercourse so that an appropriate bed can be provided for desirable sexual intercourse. Some sexual problems are created that they may show themselves during sexual intercourse or after it and the grounds of adaptability of spouses will face to dangers. In this part, some of them that have more relationship with adaptability will be mentioned:
a. Lack of sexual association between couples
Some women and men would like to be so active in sexual matters whereas others would like not to have sexual intercourse so much so that they can have more enjoyment in sexual intercourse.
Some men show interest in sexual satisfaction so much and most of time, they are ready for sexual intercourse. However, because they face to a kind of weakness after sexual intercourse, naturally, they fall asleep. Sometimes, men are provoked at first and before his wife is satisfied in a desirable way, they cannot continue it. The reason of this affair is that sexual rebellion can be done for men in an easier way.
Persons that are not realistic expect that sexual complete satisfaction in each sexual intercourse, but we should say ” since couples often do not have enough experience, their expectations cannot be met. Fortunately, youths that are young and inexperienced may not become successful after a while and do not show the enthusiasm of early days. Therefore, they may conclude that there are defects in themselves or their spouse. This point can risk adaptability among couples. To deal with this danger, couples should pay attention to their reactions to achieve Orgasm completely so that they can increase their lust and desire through this way. Each wife and husband should analyze their mistakes carefully so that they can reach desirable point and they prevent from the same mistakes again so that misunderstanding does not happen between them.
b. One-way point of view toward sexual intercourse
Sexual desire decreases in men strongly after sexual intercourse whereas such a process does not appear among men strongly. Moreover, there are the expectation of a kind of lovemaking and a look beyond sexual intercourse in them because if women think that they are valuable for men only for sexual intercourse and the one-way look of men for sexual intercourse, they will feel hurt. A man can meet the needs of his wife after sexual intercourse with lovemaking. In the early stage of marriage, lovemaking before sexual intercourse is much better than lovemaking after sexual intercourse.
a. Lovemaking is after sexual intercourse proves affection toward each other and it shows that their love is not only for sexual satisfaction.
b. Lovemaking after sexual intercourse improves manly and womanly feeling in them. When a man feels proud that a woman admires him after sexual intercourse and each woman would like to know whether she is qualified to answer the sexual needs of her husband.
c. Lovemaking after sexual intercourse removes worry from an action that seems to devote animals and it increases the love and affection of human.
d. If one of couples or both of them have not been satisfied of sexual intercourse, this reality that they have affection and love toward each other confirms and lack of satisfaction does not remove affection between a husband and a wife.
e. The expression of love after sexual intercourse is a good start.
No sentence can describe your enthusiasm about the ground of the enjoyment of sexual intercourse and only your interest and your look at the bed of sexual intercourse can specify how you enjoy sexual intercourse. Hence, you can provide the ground of enthusiasm of next stages in a better way with applying lovemaking in each stage.
You should teach youths that they do not get married with the motivation of sexual desire because as soon as there is sexual intercourse, most of them become illogical and insensible. After the cells of brain have the chance of thinking and activity, there will be separation between them along with grief and inadaptability between them will start. Desirable sexual intercourse is the basis of relationship between a woman and a man, but paying attention to principles and foundations prevents from paying attention to the rest of the life. This way depicts the view of watching a naked body of a person. Of course, the most beautiful persons are ugly without garments and watching only the metal structure of a building is not attractive.
c. The rate of sexual intercourse
The source of deduction of sexual desire can be analyzed in environmental ground and mental grounds. When men get older, they need a lot of time so that they can become ready for the change of sexual behavior. Some factors such as the pressure of work, lack of appropriate time for sexual intercourse, fear from sexual inability, routine feeling in sexual intercourse, sickness in sexual intercourse and individual differences among spouses will provide the grounds of its deduction.
In some couples, as time elapses, remarkable change is not seen in the deduction of sexual intercourse whereas some couples decrease their sexual activities in the early years of their marital life. In the first stage, a woman and a man should provide an appropriate atmosphere for the increase of sexual desire so that the early deduction of sexual desire can be compensated with new sexual desire. In the next stage, they should be aware of changes so that new situation should not be unexpected and it does not cause the grounds of inadaptability.
d.Corrupted mental picture
Desirable sexual intercourse involves desirable mental picture in sexual cooperation. Women and men should not try to look at other women and men at workplace during day. Women and men should have clear picture from their own husbands and wives and women and men should not have mental clear picture from stranger men and women. Paying attention to the face and body of other persons can have two consequences: friendship and hate. Friendship with others can weaken relationship between a person and his or her spouse and improves the ground of inadaptability between them. Therefore, it is recommended that you should consider beauty in the selection of spouse so that seeing him or her leads to friendship. You should get married a person whose appearance and behaviors are in a way that you can accept to live with her for long years. As women should see their own spouse and do not let other men enter their boundary, men should avoid rakishness and should have romantic and emotional look at their wife honestly and innocently. They should have mental picture from their own spouse in the time of the selection of spouse and in the time of sexual intercourse. According to the narrations of innocent Imams (peace be upon them), having sexual intercourse with your wife through the mental picture of a stranger woman is not desirable.
e.Lack of attraction
Women and men should wear various clothes so that they seem attractive. Naturally, mot of men and women complain about the way that their spouse wears clothes. Change in the way of wearing is not fun, it changes the mental picture of others and others see him or her as neat person. There is no question that the kind and color of clothes will have a lot of effect on the mental satisfaction of sexual partner. Clothes with light color for youths, clothes with rather dark color for youths and plain clothes for adults cause that sexual desire can be seen. Interesting point is that what women hear has deep effect on sexual behavior and what men see will be effective in sexual intercourse. Of course, it does not mean that a point that women focus on minor matters should be ignored. According to the narrations of innocent Imams (peace be upon them), having sexual intercourse with your wife through the mental picture of a stranger woman is not desirable.
f. Determining time
We cannot determine any time for sexual intercourse. A person is not like a machine that behaves according to specific instruction. When everything is ready from psychophysiology aspect, a person is ready for sexual intercourse. Of course, as habit has a remarkable role in other cases, it has a role as well here. But the story of habit should be analyzed in a separate way. At the end of the first year of sexual life, a husband and a wife should be taught to act according to the requests of each other.
When a place is quiet and sexual desire has reached to the highest peak, it is the time of sexual intercourse. No one can be considered as a pattern in the ground of sexual matters. If you look at a person and consider him or her as a pattern, you will fail because the abilities and tendencies of persons are different toward sexual desire. When there are no barriers and conditions are ready from the aspects of environment, food, desire and …it is possible to start sexual desire. Norm in sexual success is not its stages, but what is a norm is that a husband and a wife have desire sexual intercourse at the same time and their activity can be done for achieving orgasm.
g. Lack of acceptance of sexual identity
Each girl and boy or each women and men should accept his or her gender before wedding ceremony and has made himself or herself adaptable with his or her gender role so that he or she can answer the expectations of others and he or she can be satisfied of his or her role. Some women act in a way in order to have the features of different gender, show manly moods and actions from themselves and it seems as if they have manly features in the tone of their voice courage and …in the basic of creation. Moreover, men that have the features of women cannot be adaptable with their own roles. No one can be considered as a pattern in the ground of sexual matters.
Having positive point of view toward the sexual behavior of women and men can provide the ground of the growth of other cases of personality; otherwise, the recognition of experts about such a person will be disorder in sexual identity. Some part of this matter is related to the awareness of sexual role of men and women and a person should try to understand his or her basic and root and recognize his or her inner whose most important part is sexual identity. On the other hand, wrong imaginations that can be the ground of dealing with the acceptance of sexual identity should be abolished. For example, the role of active and inactive mood in sexual intercourse between a woman and a man is an old though, can weaken the active role of a woman and has negative effect in the acceptance of sexual identity. There is no norm for real active and inactive role of women and men.
If a woman imagines that sexual intercourse is only for satisfying the sexual need of her husband, she ignores her own value and believes that she as a woman in the society should meet the sexual need of her husband. If a woman has more active in the scene of the life and knows that she should also enjoy the pleasures of the life, she will know that she shares in the enjoyment of sexual intercourse. Islam accepts such a role for women in physical relationships and has recommended women to enter the area of sexual intercourse and to activities that provoke the sexual desire of men. Moreover, the Islam has left the organization of sexual intercourse and the satisfaction of sexual desire of men to women. If the negative imagination of women about lack of role in sexual intercourse is omitted, sexual intercourse will be more desirable and it causes that women do not feel that they have no active role in sexual intercourse and in equal conditions, they can enjoy sexual intercourse, make others enjoy sexual intercourse and can enjoy sexual intercourse.
At first, parents should confirm this difference with right explanation when a child recognizes between himself and another child. When a child recognized that there is anatomy differences between girls and boys, it can be a good chance to emphasize on differences. There are a lot of differences between boys and girls. Boys have been created in a way and girls have been created in another way. This message should be clear and certain so that the disorder of the thinking of a child that may happen in the recognition of his or her sexual identity can be prevented.
The public culture of the society should establish such difference between boys and girls when the society has devoted more effect on teenagers and youths toward families. In time of puberty, sexual differences reach the highest peak. A teenager girls appear as women and teenager boys appear as men and act like them. In such time, they react against the understanding of others little by little and improves a picture as male and female genders. As a general, the role of sexual desire is one of mental features and one of patterns of behavior and it is appropriate for male and female gender from social aspect and includes the conception of an ideal man or woman that is desirable for culture. Hence, what is acceptable in the public culture of the society can help to accept the sexual identity of a girl or a boy. If roles are determined in the society in a right way and expectation are requested from men and women according to their features, their role will be established in their mental picture and what is expected will happen.
h. The deduction of sexual desire
The first kind of the deduction of sexual desire is called ” lack of sexual desire ” in women. The result of problems is in sexual and mental growth. The second kind is the deduction of sexual desire and its most common reason is daily problems in relationships among persons. Most of couples do not know that their sexual behavior is the mirror of their bad and good feelings. The need of a man to the affection of a woman hides animosity. When such a person pretends to be comfortable, he or she is not aware of his or her anger in his or her anger, but this anger can decrease sexual need and it can lead to even sexual inability.
There is no question that we should not consider lack of sexual desire a simple matter, but we should consider it as very complex and mysterious phenomenon and it has different degrees and ranks. We should analyze the reason of lack of sexual desire in order to know how it happens. The main reason of lack of sexual desire of a woman is lack of awareness of a man and his inexperienced behaviors. Mostly a man does not know how he prepares a woman in order to gain the highest enjoyment. This lack of awareness is about especially the sensitive points of women for reaching the highest peak of sexual enjoyment. Most of men do have enough information about sexual intercourse. The sexual enjoyment of women involves specific conditions. Sometimes, it involves actions that seem to be meaningless and ridiculous. But as much as it is possible and there are no religious and moral prohibitions, we should try to meet them and pay attention to their needs. Of course, paying attention to their needs does not mean carefulness, humiliation and offer that a man and women offer them as they pass by a room and lobby. Sexual intercourse should be in a clear way so that they can achieve the highest sexual enjoyment without any offers. Thinking about the highest sexual enjoyment is not only selfishness, but it is also a kind of selflessness.
When a person achieves orgasm as others achieve the enjoyment of sexual desire, this cannot be considered as selfishness at all, but she is like a mother that enjoys and makes her children enjoy in the highest peak. Hence, a man should apply all of his attempts so that he can increase the sexual desire of his wife that can cause a lot of problems.
i. Sexual intercourse in menses period
There are moral recommendations and the explanation of religious rules that have prohibited sexual intercourse in menses period and this affair is dangerous from sexual and mental aspects. Women have stress, the destruction of womb, blooding, weakness, anger, suicide and kinds of mental problems at the beginning of menses period. In such a period, a woman needs a lot of care. If men enforce their wives to have sexual intercourse due to pressure of sexual intercourse, they will not only do a haram (prohibited) action from religious rules, but they will also provide conditions for the harshness and inadaptability of women and will have the life in serious problems in the path of adaptability. Hence, it is appropriate that we prevent from such losses for the improvement of adaptability.